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| The contest with God...
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around
discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that
they didn't need him anymore
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no
longer needed.
The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been
thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you
anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas,
we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you
can see, we really don't need you."
God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But
before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"
The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."
The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay,
I'm ready!"
God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt." |
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Paired off Parrots
A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have
a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want
to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.
His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male
parrots
and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some
fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and
exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!" |
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It's All Relative
Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises
every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and
writes
home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."
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Buzz Off
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There
aren't
enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and
hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and
fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump
into
each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and
inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp." |
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